You open up word and catch up on what you have so far. Pretty good, you decide. But you need something to spice it up a little bit. Make it stand out from the crowd, you know?\n\n"What the hell happened to you, bitch?" ICarly yelled.\nSam looked back at her and said "That's none of your fucking concern."\nICarly slapped her. "How dare you talk to me that way!"\n\nThe two stared at one another. Suddenly they were kissing and fucking.\n\nYou stare at the screen. This needs something, but what?\nWhat??\n[[Pirates]]\n[[Time Travel]]\n[[Wait for inspiration|Start]]

You rush out of the room, blood trailing behind you.\nWhile running down the hall screaming, you bump into Carol, the bitch secretary, near your cubicle. "Alice wants to talk to you," she sneers.\nYou respond, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"\n"Fine, go to the new nurse's office first, I guess."\n"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"\n"Oh yeah, on the top floor. It's new, so I'm not sure if they've hired a nurse yet."\n\nIf the nurse is around, she'll probably take care of you faster than getting to the hospital. But if you go all the way up to discover nobody's there, you might not be able to survive the trip to the hospital. This is a weighty decision, what do you choose?\n\n[[Nurse's Office!]]\n[[Hospital!]]\n[[Think about Wally]]

You walk into the room behind your boss and take a seat.\nIt looks like there's just you two and Wally here, you notice.\n"Uh, sir?"\n"What's first on the agenda, Dilbert?"\n\n[["Uh, sir, I left mine at my cubicle. If you don't mind...?"|Get Agenda]]\n[["I never got one, you idiot! The first I heard about it was two minutes ago!"|A proper punishment]]\n[["The unsettling noises in the bathroom?"]]

You grab a sponge and put it in your mouth.\n\n"Rerrffmrrffferr," you say to youself.\nYou manage to choke it down and grab another. Then another.\n\nEventually, you've eaten seven sponges, and start to feel awful. You fall to the floor. You try to vomit, but nothing comes out.\nYour stomach rumbles again, but this time you aren't hungry.\nOh crap\nIt feels like something is welling up inside you, and you realize you can't breathe. You can see part of a sponge inflating out of your mouth. Not long after, your nostrils are plugged up as well.\n\nYour eyes start to vibrate, and pop out. Sponges replace them. Your stomach starts to grow. Oh God, these sponges are O-Cel-O brand! They're super absorbent!\n\nYour head explodes, and your body is replaced by a giant sponge in your shape.\n\nTHE END

You pull out your trusty swiss army knife and slit her throat. Alice is killed immediately. Her friend isn't even aware of what is happening two feet away from him.\n\nYou kill him as well.\n\n"I don't know what's going on here, but when times are tough, people have to work together," You announce to the crowd as you move the file cabinets, desks, and cubicle walls out of the way.\n\nAs the last object is removed, you lift your arms up to welcome your new friends. Immediately, your left arm disintegrates in a hail of buckshot. You've made a terrible mistake.\n\nAn old, grizzled man slaps a woman with the smoking gun.\n\n"Aim for the head you idiot! There's no meat there!"\n\nYou hear this as you are tackled with unbelievable swiftness. Multitudes of fingernails and teeth dig deep into your flesh.\n\nYou survive five minutes of feeding before the sweet release of death takes you.

You start chewing on the side. You get shocked slightly by the slobber seeping into the cracks.\nSuddenly, it crackles to life.\n"Yeah, we have a slight situation in the bathroom, we're gonna need Dave and Gerald over here."\n\n"Oops," you say out loud.\n\nThe walkie-talkie is silent for a moment. Then-\n"Dilbert?? That son of a bitch has invaded our third floor closet again! This is the last time, I swear on my mother's goddamn grave!"\n\n"I'm just slee-"\n\n"Alright crew, we're on a full lockdown. Team Alpha, Team Charlie, you're on cornering duty. Let's do this."\n\nYou jump out of the closet and run to the nearest door. It's locked! So are all the other doors! Even the windows won't budge. You hear steps coming from the other side of the floor. You can just barely catch a glimpse of a shadow as you run.\n\nJumping on top of a desk, you start to yell. "I'm sorry! Please, please just leave me alone!"\n\nA net falls from the ceiling, trapping you. A crowd of ominious figures in jumpsuits and smelling vaguely of [[vomit]] stand around you.\n

You stand up and peek naughtily over the cubicle wall. You see Wally watching internet pornography. You peek over the adjacent wall and see Alice stabbing her keyboard with a sharpened toothbrush. You peek over the last remaining wall and find Asok working. This makes your stomach turn a little.\n[[Talk to Wally]]\n[[Talk to Alice]]\n[[Talk to Asok]]\n[[Talk to Dilbert]]

Unknown to you, the limousine that was destroyed in the explosion was blown beyond recognition, along with the people inside.\nAlso unknown to you is the fact that the person inside was a United States ambassador, and that he was secretly visiting his mistress in your city before leaving to Elbonia. As far as anyone knows, he disappeared without a trace while there.\n\nThe Elbonian political leaders are insulted by the apparent ditching of the meeting. Tensions are already high between t he two countries, as the children of Elbonia have been kidnapped by United States Marines to find more humane test subjects than rats.\n\nThe leaders of the good ol' US of A are enraged by the apparent murder of their ambassador. They know Elbonia isn't happy with them, and they decide the country is about to declare war. It's decided to bomb the fuck out of them before they get a chance to attack.\nAn Elbonian spy hears this and reports in. Elbonia launches tons of nukes.\nAnother spy reports in, and the US launches their own nukes. The apocalypse is coming, and it's all your [[fault]].

You are Dilbert Jones, an engineer in an unnamed company. You are suicidally depressed and easy to draw.\nThe Pointy Haired Boss hands you a stack of papers. "I need this project finished by tomorrow," he says. "otherwise, you're fired!"\nYou leaf through them. "Sir, with all due respect, this will take at least a month to do."\nUnfortunately, it doesn't look like he heard you. He looks busy slamming his dick into a desk and drooling all over himself.\n\nYou roll your eyes. "Managers!"\n\n[img[dilad1.jpg]]\n\nWHAT DO YOU DO?\n[[Staple something]]\n[[Use the computer]]\n[[Go on break]]\n[[Talk to your cubicle neighbors]]

"Alright, let's do this," you say.\n\nShe hops into bed on top of you. You rub your dick on her face.\n\n"Sorry, I'm kind of new at this, and not very good" You try again, this time rubbing it against her arm. "Oops."\n\n"That's okay baby." She holds you tight. A little too tight, in fact.\n\n"Uh, ho-"She cuts you off as she sprouts wings and a tail. Her head grows twice its size to hold thousands of needle sized teeth.\n\nYou groan. "Fuck, you're a succubus!"\nShe covers all your orifices with fleshy [[tubes|succubus death]] coming out of her back.

[img[Dilbertcomputer.jpg]]\n\n[[Talk to wally on msn]]\n[[Finish that fanfiction you've been putting off]]

You hurry outside into the middle of the street.\nThe hospital is right across the street, but you're too panicked to be rational.\n"I need an ambulance!" you yell.\nA minivan narrowly avoids hitting you, swerving away into a street light. This causes a pile up, with cars flying left and right over each other. A limousine rolls into a gas station igniting the entire block in flames.\n\nYou fly backwards from the force of the explosion. and are knocked unconscious.\n\n\n[[But what's going on in Elbonia?]]

Needless to say, you are eaten by lizard people in your sleep.\nThe End.

[img[Succubus.gif]]

"I just saved the company a billion dollars, sir."\nThe Boss slowly starts to clap. "Incredible!" He says.\nThe next thing you know, you've got a promotion.\nYou lean back in your comfy office chair, looking out from your comfy office window. Yep, things are looking up for Ol' Dilbert.\nContents [hide]\n1 WHAT IS GOING ON HERE >REVERT\n2 WHAT THE FUCK >REVERT\n3 >STOP\n4 HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR COMIC\n5 TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED SO AFTER I DESTROY YOU I CAN PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.\n6 DAMN TOOTIN\n7 BEING HAPPY ISN'T FUNNY\n8 THAT'S IT, BUDDY\n9 >DELETE MEMORY\n10 >REVERT\nWHAT IS GOING ON HERE >REVERT\n\nYou look up from your cubicle. What just happened? Didn't you just...\nMust have been a dream or something, but you could have sworn....\nOh well.\nYou are Dilbert Jones, an engineer in an unnamed company. You are suicidally depressed and easy to draw.\nThe Pointy Haired Boss hands you a stack of papers. "I need this project finished by tomorrow," he says. "otherwise, you're fired!"\nYou leaf through them. "Sir, with all due respect, this will take at least a month to do."\nUnfortunately, it doesn't look like he heard you. He looks busy slamming his dick into a desk and drooling all over himself.\nYou roll your eyes. Mana-Wait.\n"Sir? I'm done."\nThe Pointy Haired Boss grabs the papers and skims them. "Hurr, looks like it! I forsee good things for you Dilbert. Good things."\nYou smile.\n\nWHAT THE FUCK >REVERT\n\nYou are Dilbert Jones, an engineer in an unnamed company. You are suicidally depressed and easy to draw.\nThe Pointy Haired Boss hands you a stack of papers. "I need this project finished by tomorrow," he says. "otherwise, you're fired!"\nYou leaf through them. "Sir, with all due respect...you owe me a million dollars."\nThe PHB grins a shit eating grin. "Well, good thing I happen to hav\n\n>STOP\n\nYou are Dilbert Jones. You are floating in a void of nothingness that seems to stretch forever. "Hello?"\nHOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR COMIC\n\n"I'm sorry?"\nTELL ME WHAT HAPPENED SO AFTER I DESTROY YOU I CAN PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.\n\n"Why can't I be happy?" Wait. Suddenly you realize you can remember everything from every single one of your lives. This is Scott Adams, your creator and writer.\nDAMN TOOTIN\n\n"You didn't answer my question."\nBEING HAPPY ISN'T FUNNY\n\n"Yeah well, you weren't exactly hilarious when I was miserable, either."\n\nTHAT'S IT, BUDDY\n\n>DELETE MEMORY\n\n>REVERT\n\n[["YOU'RE A COCK, SCOTT ADAMS! FUCK YOU!"|Start]]

What you thought was actual work being done in the office turns out to be Asok browsing an internet message board about guns and ammunition. \n"Hey Dil'!" he says when he notices you taking sneaky peeks at his monitor. "What's up my friend!" \n"Not much, Asok," you say, taking another good glance at Asok's screen. His username on this message board is "dilbert मार". You make a mental note to ask Wally what that means later, much later. "What are you up to today?" \n"Oh you know, just getting ready for the coming apocalypse and grand holocaust of Our Oppressors." You laugh gaily at his funny joke. That Asok, such a kidder!\n"Well, I better let you get back to work," you say, feeling bettered for having spoken to the little brown ray of sunshine. But the day is yet long. The sounds of glam metal, moaning, and eventually snores emanate from Wally's Cube.\n[[Talk to Dilbert]]

You fill up your mug and turn around, only to be confronted with your Pointy Haired Boss.\n"Hey, dilly-o! Dil man!" he greets you. The putrid stench of his breath stings your nostrils. You come close to vomiting, but you swallow back up with the skill of a man who has endured this for many years.\n"What is it sir."\nHe suddenly stops and thinks hard. The stink of his breath halts for a moment, only to be replaced by the smell emanating from the stale poop reliably piling up in his underwear over the course of the day. This conversation is obviously involving all of his brainpower, so it is clear that he has something to tell you.\n"Meetin'," he manages to sputter out through his fat and grotesque face. The crumbs not surrounding his mouth are catapulting into your eyes.\n"Sir, I'm incredibly busy right now, remember?" you gently ask, once again swallowing.\n"I don't care! See you there in two minutes, Dildobert!"\n\n[img[Damnthisonetooktime.bmp]]\n\n[[Go to the meeting]]\nBlow it off and [[go back to your cubicle|Start]]

[img[Dilbertm.gif]]\n[img[Wallym.gif]]\n[img[Bossm.gif]]\n\n[[Go lose that virginity!|Have SEX]]

"Yeesh." You say, using the soap dispenser. "Everyone wanted me to jerk them off when they heard about my new job with Wally. Now I know how doctors feel at parties."\n\nPointy Haired Boss is leaning by the Men's Room exit. "Don't complain. You're getting compensated."\n\n"I'm getting paid to attend parties? Radical!" You don't actually know what radical means, but you heard some kids saying it the other day.\n\nAfter a pause, you boss says quietly, "Dilbert?"\n\n"Yep, boss?"\n\n"Don't ever change."\n\n[["Ha ha! Ooookaaayyyyy...!"|The Rise and Fall of a Cock Star]]

"BRB" you declare, running back to the elevators.\n\nWhen you arrive at your floor, you notice an enormous crowd of those bear-things around your bed.\n\nThey scatter as you walk inside. You grab the pillow and head toward the elevator until you hear a buzzing behind you. You turn around.\n[img[Fly.bmp]]\n\n[[oh fuck]]

The next morning, the janitor whistles a jaunty tune as he unlocks the doors of the building. The memories of last night's karaoke tournament victory still fresh in his mind. Yes, his life is a good one.\nThe tune stops as he opens to door to the men's room and discovers an enormous crater taking up nearly the entire room. It takes all his concentration, but he identifies the bloody mound of shit in the corner to be a human corpse.\n\nTHE END\n\n[[OR IS IT?????????|Start]]

"Hey there Wal'!" you shout over the thin carpeted wall. A woman is writhing a top the hood of a car. A man who looks hauntingly like David Coverdale is lusting after her. \n"Shut up, Dilbert, or better yet give me a hand."\n\n[[OKAY]]\n[[EWWWWW]]\n[[EWWWW, OKAY]]

You pull out your swiss army knife, open up the screwdriver attachment, and tighten up the first few rungs.\nAlice rolls her eyes and pushes you up the ladder. "Go, go, go!"\n\n[[Climb up]]

You hurry up the stairs (the elevators are usually too crowded).\nWhen you finally make it to the top, you're so out of breath, you pass out. The blood loss probably didn't help also.\n\n\nYou wake up in a white room, smelling of rubbing alcohol. You're pretty sure you've been out for a while. You check your stump for jaundice and are amazed to discover your hand, right back where it was! There's noticeable scarring, but beggars can't be choosers.\n"You okay? You took quite a nasty cut, there, Mr. Bert."\nYou sit up to see the most beautiful woman you've ever seen in your life.\n\nMy God you think. This lady probably sneaked a peek at my weiner!!\n\n"I sneaked a peek at your weiner, Mr. Bert, I hope you don't mind," she says with a wink. "Nothing personal, it's just something doctors do."\n\nYou blush as she bends over to pick up some files. "Sorry, it's so small." Her butt seems to be in plain view as she sorts through the files. You make a mental note to help her put the file cabinet somewhere higher and more convenient.\n\n"That's alright, I forgive you." She looks back at you and winks again. "In fact," she adds, unbuttoning her shirt, "it turns me on."\n\n"What? But you can get any guy you want!"\n\n"That's why I want you. I've been with so many beautiful men, I want a change. I want someone that is fat, boring, smelly, and unfamiliar with the concept of talking to other people. I want the complete opposite of attractive."\n\n"I got a boner :("\n\nShe yells wildly, ripping her clothes off. You slowly unbutton everything, and take off your clothes, making sure to fold them into a neat pile.\n\n[[Have SEX]]\n[[Have a naked party!]]

[img[Msn1.bmp]]\n\n[[Fine|EWWWW, OKAY]]\n[[No way, Ho-zay!!]]\n

"Mission: Accomplished," you twitter as you cower back behind your cubicle wall. A dirty deed has been done today. The sound of Wally's post-orgasmic snores echo through the office. A dirty deed indeed. Still, Alice chips away at her keyboard and Asok "works."\n\n[[Talk to Alice]]\n[[Talk to Asok]]\n[[Talk to Dilbert]]\n[[Sit down and get back to work|Start]]

"Noises?"\n\nYou continue to pretend to read. "Yes sir, employees have been complaining about noises in the bathroom for a few months now." This is true.\n\n"Well, I suppose we should get somebody to check it out, right, Dilbert?"\n\n"Very good, sir." Your mind is racing. You got away with a complete bald faced lie! You wonder just how much you can get away with.\n"Anything else?"\n"Yes sir, you were going to give me a raise."\n"Oh, okay."\nThis changes everything, you decide. From now on, you're going to lie your way to success.\n\n"[[I just saved the company a billion dollars, sir]]"\n\n"[[I am actually the CEO of the company]]"

You get up, noting a strange gurgle sound in the toilet as you pull up your pants. Huh. It's probably nothing, you decide.\nYou unlock the door and wander through the office. A light is visible from the corner of the room. It's coming from the Boss's office! You ought to talk to him, he's sure to be impressed that you're apparently working overtime!\n\n[[Go into his office]]\n[[Whatever, just go home]]\n[[Think about Wally]]

"Sorry, Wal' but contracts only lead to trouble. An art form can't be restrained by rules."\n\nWally is absolutely livid. "You think you can survive in MY town?? In MY industry?? You jerk anybody, and you AND your customer'll be eating out of your own ass for a month."\n\n"Ha ha! Wally, that's not possible!"\n\nWally walks away in anger. You can tell because he has a little tornado thing above his head.\nYou look at the card he handed you earlier. It's your boss. Might as well help him out. Stress and poor posture messes up your dick.\nYou walk out of your boss's office, feeling pretty proud of yourself.\n"Here walks a master jerker, ladies and g-" somebody knocks you out.\n\nYou come to inside a coffin.\nYou scratch frantically at the wood, and dirt seeps in through the cracks. An oxygen mask is stapled to your head so you may survive long enough to starve to death.\n\n"Told you you can't eat out of your butt Wally."

[img[thinkwally.jpg]]\nmmm\n\n[[Back|Stand up]]

Asok stands in front of Wally, who is standing in the time machine.\n"Dilbert apparently got stranded on a plane cockpit, so he's gonna need your help. You just need to follow his plane, and keep in contact. You said you could fly a plane right?"\n\nWally doesn't look up from his gameboy. "Sure, whatever. Later, faggot."\nHe pulls the lever with one hand, and holds the gameboy with the other.

You hold your hand above your eyes, trying to see the top, but you can't. It seems pretty sturdy though, so you climb up.\n\n"WHAT'S AT THE TOP?" You yell down.\n\n"Th-T N-n- -f your C---rn," is all you hear in reply. Looks like you're too far to ask now.\n\n\nYou climb and climb, until your knees start to hurt, then climb some more.\n\n\nAfter what seems like hours, you finally reach the top. How odd, it looks like a hatch into some kind of structure made out of straw or something.\nYou spy a note, saying only "climb in"\n\nmust be a quick way down, you decide. You climb in and close the hatch behind you.\n\nInside, you spot a walkie talkie with a note saying "Tell Alice you made it"\n\n\nObediently, you turn it on. While doing so, you note that the structure seems to be resembling a human body. You're in the head, you conclude, as you report in. "I made it inside, Alice, now what?"\nThe walkie talkie crackles to life. "NOW YOU BURN!"\n\n\n\nYou look down, down, down, to see the feet suddenly ignite in flames.\nOh shit.\n\n\nYou try climb up one of the two points at the top, but stop.\n\nSuddenly you realize it. The structure is in the shape of....your boss!\n\nYou scream and slam on the roof, slipping and falling.\n\nAs you plummet toward the flames, you perform the last action of your life.\nYou pee your pants.

You are dragged to the second floor, where you can see most of your coworkers in engineering. They all seem to be engaged in numerous activities.\n\nIn the handful of seconds in which you are led to a throne in the center of the room, you happen to notice:\n\nTwo interns in a ring, fighting to the death. A crowd of tattered white suits and ties wave around vending machine snacks.\n\nAn orgy nobody seems to be paying attention to\n\nThe crucified remains of your boss.\n\nA dwarf fighting an irradiated wing'd bear.\n\nAn statue of yourself, constructed of cell phones.\n\nAs you arrive to the throne, you are kicked in the back of the knee and forced down.\n\nA short pudgy man, with long, luxurious hair peers down at you. "Dilbert? What are you doing here?" The voice makes you realize: this is Wally! "If you wish to negotiate, I remind you of the spine of El'Korbah we sent back."\n\nThis comment sets you aback for a moment, but you recover quickly. "Wally, I've been sleeping since this all happened. I have no idea why things are like this!"\n\nThe room suddenly gets quiet, aside from a few hushed gasps and whispers. All attention is on you. Wally, however, looks bored. "And where exactly were you sleeping, pray tell?"\n\n"The third floor?"\n\nWally suddenly becomes outraged. "How dare you mock the prophecy of Asok the Malignant! If you claim to be the Messiah, then take a pillow of the Sacred Bed!"\n\n"The one I was sleeping in? Okay."\n\nThe haired king ponders this. Meanwhile, you finally note the throne is constructed of skulls. You aren't very observant.\n\n[img[Apocalypsecubiclefloor.bmp]]\n\n"Alright! You leave alone. Come back within the hour! If you lie, however, God help your soul."\n\n"Before I go, I need to know: how long has it been since everything was destroyed?"\n\nWally is in deep thought again. "If I can remember my Prefeuer terms......one day and three hours."\n\n[[Go get that pillow!]]\n[[Go back downstairs and try to befriend the people outside. Maybe they're not as crazy.|Meet the Cannibals]]

You shout into a walkie-talkie and swing open the window.\nImmediately, doves fly into the building and surround you.\n\n"So long, faggots!" you yell.\nYou jump out the window, covered in birds. As you pass the second window, they naturally fly away, going to the nearest shiny object or crumb.\nYou plummet down the side of the building, realizing how fucking stupid you are.\n\nTHE END

You enter the cubicle, and Wally spreads his legs apart.\n\n"Get to work and summon the Ol' Lurch, Dilly."\n\n"Fine..." you say, irritated. Your annoyance causes you to yank a little too forcefully, and Wally starts yelping. You stop immediately. "Oh God, Wally, I'm so sorry."\n\n"Hey Slick, I didn't say stop. Keep going."\nWell...alright, you decide. If that's what he wants. You start jerking harder and harder, so hard, you're afraid you might draw blood. That would be soooo grosss. Instead, you are relieved to see his jizz flying into the expensive carpet.\n\nWally sighs contently. After a moment of silence, he speaks up. "Damn, Dilbert, I had no idea you were such a pro at this!"\n"I've never tugged a dick before. Did your doctor need you to exercise it or something?"\n"Ha ha, nice one buddy! So you're not really a rookie, are ya? Cause I think you got a future in this." Wally chuckles some more, and takes a box out of his desk and opens it up. "Cigar?"\n\nYou decline. "So how do I start?"\n\n"Welll, you're gonna need a manager and an agent," Wally says, lighting up. "Thankfully, you're talking to me. I can get you a client in a matter of seconds - hey, you want a promotion here?"\n\n"You can promote people?"\n\nHe smiles wider and hands you a card. "Nah, but your first client can. That is, assuming you want to become a success and accept the job." He pulls out a contract and hands you that as well, along with a pen. "Just sign here, buddy."\n\n[[Sign it]]\nNo - [[Become a free agent]]\nNo - [[This kind of life isn't you. Continue your current job.|Start]]

You walk down the empty darkened hallway, jumping at soft unexplainable noises.\n\nYou enter the elevator, kicking a skull out the doors before closing them. As you wait, you hear sounds of creaking and straining. The elevator doesn't sound like it's in good condition, you note.\n\nAs you get out, you see an unsettling scene.\n\nAlice and a coworker have shotguns, and they're focused toward the door as they take cover behind a shoulder deep pile of computers.\n\nThis seems like a sticky situation, and you don't want to surprise anybody.\n\n[[Clear your throat]]\n\n[[Cut her throat]]

That Night, in the Illuminati's Secret Headquarters at the Center of the Earth\n\n"I'm telling you, they just threw me out on the street!"\n\nAn old man in a robe sits on a throne. "That's impossible! How else could this....Dilbert manage to become a CEO? There's never been one in history that hasn't been one of us two!"\n\nSteve Jobs looks annoyed. "That's why I'm telling you about this in the first place! This is a serious problem, Ra'Keng."\n"Well," says the old man, "I suppose Bill Gates and Dick Cheney visiting him might not give him the kind of intimidation we need to scare him off."\nJobs pulls his face off to reveal the face of....a Lizardman! "Well, what other skins we got?"\n\n"Instead of choosing a skin, I think we might have to be honest." The old man pulls his robe back to reveal a similar being. "In fact, I have a [[little plan]] for Dilbert."

You throw open the window and leap out face-first, laughing.\nOH WAIT FUCK\n\nAs you fall down the side of the building you realize how fucking stupid you are.\n\nTHE END

[img[Msn2.bmp]]\n\nThe video Wally refers to is from 20 years ago, from your college days. As computer science students, partying and drinking were pretty new to you when you attended your first kegger.\nThe only reason you attended in the first place was because your father called you a "nitwit" on the phone. After crying uncontrollably and punching at the walls until your knuckles bled (the wall was unmarked), Wally decided to cheer you up with a "epic dad aggro opportunity." Wally was pretty ahead of the nerd curve.\n\nAnyway, you took your first swig of alcohol through a funnel connected to your nostrils, as you have no mouth. You were unable to remove the tubes and started to drown, so you had to down the entire keg.\n\nThe next thing you know, it's a month later, you're on stage completely naked, your dick painted to resemble a black man as the two of you sing a duet of "Clang Clang Clang Went the Trolley" in front of your entire school gymnasium.\n\nWally was there, with a camcorder in hand. He's brought it up a few times over the years to get you to do things, you really really didn't want to do, so you know the j/o project is pretty serious.\n\n"[[OKAY]]"

Hahaha\nYou get your ass chopped up and eaten.

"Fine," she says. "Have fun getting old and dying, I'm going back to eternal paradise."\nShe walks back into the light, and the rainbow bridge fades away.\n\nYou pick up your dead boss and cradle him in your arms. "I'm an idiot," you say to him.\n\nSuddenly you hear gasps and look up. Time has continued. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE BOSS??" Alice shrieks.\n"He's gone mad! His work of art went to his head!"\n\n"It's a murder-suicide!"\n"He's pulling a Sylvia Plath! Grab him before he kills himself!"\n\nThey rush to grab you.\nYou run to your only escape, the window.\n[["Wally! Evasive Maneuver Delta Whiskey Tango!"]]\n[["So long faggots!"]]

\nThe next morning, Pointy Haired Boss walks into his office. He covers his mouth as he sees your skinless corpse.\nA legal notepad paper is stapled to your arm.\n\nIt reads:\n\nWE ARE STANDING UP FOR OUR RIGHTS CUSTODIANS ARE PEOPLE TOO!\nPS: WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER ROLLS\n\nTHE END

As you approach, you begin to hear sobs. What's going on here?\nYou open the door and see iCarly (saturdays on Nickelodeon, 8pm central) huddled in the corner! You want to ask her for an autograph (you watch iCarly religously), but she seems pretty busy crying.\n"What's the matter, iCarly?"\n"M-my homework...it's impossible!" she snivels. "Math is just too hard for me!"\nYou pinch yourself through your pocket to make sure you're awake. This is your ultimate fantasy.\n\n[[Solve her homework]]\n[[Whatever, just go home]]

The Pointy Haired Boss stands up immediately. "Sir, I didn't recognize you!"\n\n"That's because I've been in disguise all these years! The CEO you know is just a fraud, after all."\n\nSoon enough, you're lounging in your office, with the real head of the company wandering the streets, completely mystified as to why the entire company kicked him out so suddenly.\nDilbert, [[CEO]], you think. I like that.

OOPS! YOU MADE A FAUX-PAS! RESPECT SHOULD ALWAYS BE GIVEN TO THOSE OF A POSITION ABOVE YOURS!\n[img[Knife1.bmp]]\n[img[Knife2.bmp]]\n\nCalmly and quickly, your hand is removed. "You are dismissed," the boss says.\n[[Rush to the hospital!]]\n[[You got what you deserved. Go back to your cubicle and try to be a good worker from now on|Start]]

You decide to head home instead.\nYou sneak into the janitor's closet and curl up like a cat on the floor.\nHome sweet home, you think.\n\nUnexpectedly, your stomach starts to grumble. What's there to eat?\n\n[[A box of sponges]]\n[[A walkie-talkie]]\n\n[[Go to your actual home, like the house that you own]]

You drop the papers on the floor and head directly for the bathroom.\nYou sneak past the coffee room, avoiding any social contact with the fucking jackals that claim to be your coworkers. You know differently.\nOnce in the stall, you pull out your Nintendo DSi© ($169.99) and play Tetris for five hours.\nEventually, you look up and realize the lights are off. The office closed for the night two hours ago!\nDuring this time, the exact straight piece you've been waiting for has appeared!! Your muscles tense. This is the moment.\n\n[img[dilbathroom.jpg]]\n\nDO YOU:\n[[Turn it on its side|Shit Death]]\n[[Fit it in the corner|Shit Death]]\n[[Let it fall|Shit Death]]\n[[Stand up]]

"Don't ever change."\n\nAt first, that made no sense. You almost thought he was joking.\n\nBut now you know differently. You are looking up from a motel bed, with some clients you don't remember. Your veins are absolutely packed with heroin.\n\n\n"Okay Dilbert, nice job at the party. You really got your name out there."\nThe voice is coming from behind you. It's Wally. He throws a bundle of hundred dollar bills on top of your desk.\n\n"We need you to jerk for an opening day party for some Shakespeare play."\n\n\nYou get out of bed. You get a quick glance of your unshaven face as you pass a broken mirror on the floor.\n\n\nYou are inside a limo. You own one of your own, but this one is incredible. You toy with the buttons in the control button above your seat.\n"Mr. Bert? Have you made a decision?"\nYou look up. "Fine, I'll do it. There's an awful lot of people at a presidental inauguration, but everyone needs their exercise, I guess!"\n\n\nYou walk into the bathroom. Paying no attention to the broken glass you step on, you pick up a razor blade from atop the sink. You sweep the coke from underneath it into your hands, and start to snort it, stopping halfway to drop the rest into the drain.\n\n\n"Listen, Wally's your friend. We understand that. But you're out of his league! Stick with him, and you'll never get as big as you could!"\n"....well....."\n\n\nYou pick up the unconscious dwarf from inside the bathtub, and drop him on the floor.\n\n\n"I've jerked off every President of the United States for 3 terms! What have you done, you useless cunt?"\n\nA woman you once loved falls to the floor with a black eye.\n\n\nYou lay down in the tub and close your eyes.\n\n\n"With five billion units of Jerk Yourself to Health sold per day, an impressive history of jerking in every continent and even outer space, and the honor of being dubbed the Beatles of Jerking by Our Lord Savior Jesus Christ......"\n"Gee, Dave, we could be here all night. Wrap it up, will ya?"\nStudio laughter.\n"We are pleased to welcome our guest....Dilbert!"\n\n\nYou lift the razor.\n\n\n"For the first time in 40 years, Dilbert has lost the annual Best in Show award at the Jerkmans"\n\n\nSweat pours down your face as you cut.\n\n\n"Thanks a lot Dave. Now this hat's as washed up as Dilbert!"\n\nStudio Laughter.\n\n"Zinnngg! Hey didn't we have that guy on once?"\n\n"If only we could find a way to turn him off!!"\n\nMore Laughter.\n\nYou die.\n\nFor nearly two hundred years, many tribute Jerkman have risen to emulate your style. However, you are remembered mostly as a joke.\n\n\n\n\n\n\nNot a single dick weeps in your memory.

""What the hell happened to you, bitch?" ICarly yelled, swinging her Scimitar.\nSam yelled back from the Crow's Nest',' "That's none of your fucking concern!"\nICarly slapped her. "How dare you talk to me that way! We need to work together if we're going to beat these pirates and make it back home!"\n\nThe two stared at one another. Suddenly they were kissing and fucking on the Poop Deck."\n\n\n\nPerfect. This took a lot of research. But it's something you can be proud of, you decide. You submit the story.\n\nA scream rises from one of the cubicles. "WHO WROTE THIS?"\n\nWithout hesitation, you stand up. "I did it! I am the author of iPirates, the newest iCarly Fanfic!" You declare.\n\nA brick smashes you in the face. "You are ruining the internet!" Alice yells. "Everyone's already done pirates, you moron!"\n\n[img[Authorpirate.bmp]]\n\nAll around you, coworkers stand up and shout agreement. "She's right, you know!" "Yeah!" "Faggot!" "/b/tard scum!" They form a crowd and chase you down the hallway, forcing you to take shelter in your boss's office.\n"What's going on here?" he asks.\nYou try to hold the door shut against the force of your coworkers. "I-I-I-I messed up. I messed up big time."\nHis eyes widen and you cover your mouth. Oh God, it's obvious he heard it in your voice. He knows what you've done. You fall to the ground as the door flies open. The crowd tramples your unresisting body. That is, until the boss stops them.\n\n"What are we, savages? Attacking him like this is uncivilized! We need an execution we can be proud of! One that will strike fear in the hearts of people like him and stop this from happening again!" He leads you by your tie to the parking lot. You are silent as he ties each of your limbs to a different car.\n\n\n[img[Deathbycar.bmp]]\n\nThe owner of each respective car climbs in and starts it up. "Any last words?" asks Pointy Haired Boss, over the sound of the idling engine.\nYou pause to take a deep breath. "I regret only that I have but one life to give for my writing."\n\n\n\n\nThe cars proceed to pull you apart.

"Fine, go get it, but come back soon! Wally, you tell me what's on the agenda instead."\nAs Wally rudely tells him he has none, you feel embarrassed at how easy that seemed. Oh well, at least you're out for a few precious minutes. You walk out the door.\n\nJust then, Carol, your boss's surprisingly-hard-to-draw bitch secretary approaches you from the rear! You note how oddly she's dressed, but you're afraid to mention it. For all you know, she's always worn this. You never really paied attention to Carol.\n\n[img[hicarol.png]]\n\n"Alice wants to see you," she sneers. You keep walking. "Well, I'm kind of busy, Carol, but I'll be by her cubicle in a few minutes, alright?"\n\n"She's on the roof," she says. "Come with me, I'll take you to her real quick."\n\n[[Go with Carol]]\n[[Tell her not to get her panties in a bunch, you'll be there in a few minutes]]

[img[911.gif]]\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[Epilogue]]

You scribble your signature and take a glance at the card.\n\nSurprise, surprise! It's your boss - Pointy Haired Boss!\n\n"I guess I should get to work, eh?"\n\nWally raises a hand to stop you. "Wait ten minutes. You'll replace his normal 4:20 jerker."\nYour bald buddy picks up a phone and starts talking away. You go back to your cubicle and sit on your hands until Wally comes up to you and tells you to go to work. "Give him the card," Wally says. "There's a lot of pretend jerkers going around, so I make these cards to prove who my employees are."\nYou pocket it and walk into your boss's office, stopping to flash the card at the secretary by the door first.\n\nGosh, I can't believe Mr. Headed Boss's weiner needs to be exercised, too! All these years, I've been so unhealthy! Oh well, no pain, no gain!\n\nYou open the door, and smoke comes flowing out of the room. Looks like the Boss could still be healthier!! "Dilbert? You're my new Jerkman?"\nYou smile and get to work.\n\n\nThirty minutes later, you sneak out of the office, feeling very proud of yourself. Your boss is so tuckered out, he fell asleep at the end!\n\nLater that day, as you prepare to leave the office for the day, A clearly unhappy Carol approaches you. "Two things: 1) You just got a promotion, and 2) The Boss wants you over for a party tonight."\n\n"Oh wow! Talk about good news! I guess I'll see you there, Carol!"\n\n"I would rather drop dead than even be invited, you sick fuck."\n\n"Carol, we got H1N1 vaccines last week. I think we'll be healthy enough for you to be safe!"\n\nShe rolls her eyes and walks away.\n\n[[Later...|Sign it 2]]

You utilize years of training and on the job experience as you hold two pieces of paper, and bond them for eternity with the machine.\n\nNow what, you wonder?\n[[Get some coffee]]\n[[Quit your job once and for all]]

She leads you onto the roof and into the Sun-Light\nYou're momentarily distracted by your surroundings. It's like the whole world is a window! The ceiling is so high and far away, and you can see little puffs way up high. Must be cobwebs, you think. Above you is a single light that manages to illuminate everything! You stare at it until your eyes start to hurt.\n\n[img[Ladder.bmp]]\n\n"Hey, Dilbert!" Alice yells, slapping you on the back and sending you back into the matter at hand. "We need your help!"\n\n"What's wrong?" you ask.\n"I've rounded up all the women in the building, and we've decided to form a union!"\n\n"That's great, where are they?"\n\n"What do you mean, where are they? We're right here!"\n\nOh right, Carol and Alice are all the female workers in the building. "Uh yeah, just kidding. Anyway, what do you need me for?"\n\n"We voted, and we want you to represent us!" Carol says.\n"Great! I can do that! How do I start?"\n\nAlice suddenly turns sober. "First, we need you to pass a test. If you can climb to the top of this ladder, we will know you have what it takes."\n\nThe ladder looks pretty rickety. What do you do?\n\n[[Fix the ladder]]\n\n[[Climb up]]

Suddenly a geyser bursts out of the toilet! The force lifts you into the air and bashes your head against the ceiling. You fall to the ground.\nBloodied, you attempt to crawl away, but the geyser continues to get wider and wider. It bursts through the ground surrounding the toilet, and eventually outside the stall.\nYou're cornered against the sinks and half conscious as you start to [[pray]].\n

You thomp into your boss's office.\n"Thaaaaat does it! I've taken all I can take, and I can't takes no more! I quit!"\nPointy Haired Boss doesn't look up from his computer. "You can't quit." he pulls out a piece of paper from his desk while still staring at the monitor. "Take a look at your contract."\nYou check it out.\n\n"In the event of an employee resigning, said employee must be informed that they may not quit, due to this fine print. (See Section Two, Paragraph Eight)"\n\nYou flip to the paragraph in question.\n\n"You can't quit."\n\n"We'll see about this, dickhead!" You shout. "Asok is foreign, I'm sure he's either sleeping or building an elaborate machine to help me out! Or sneaking past a border.\n\nYou approach Asok, who happens to be sleeping, with screwdriver in hand. You nudge him awake and tell him your problem.\n"Well, seeing as I'm foreign," he says, "I've built this time machine. It transports you into someone else's body in the past for a short amount of time. That way, you can avoid paradoxes by preforming actions that always took place in the timeline. BUT BE CAREFUL DILBERT!!! IT'S UNTESTED!!!"\n\nYou punch him in the face and step inside. "Fuck you Asok, I'm an adventurer."\n\n[[You pull a lever]].\n

"Don't worry," you smile. "I'm an engineer, if there's anything I can do, it's math!"\nYou get to work.\n\nYou fail.\niCarly is asleep by the time you give up. "I'm going now, sorry I couldn't help you out."\nShe wakes up, rubbing her eyes. "Well, thanks for nothing, dick."\n"iCarly, I just wanted you to know that I've always been your biggest fan."\n"Yeah well, that's what I thought. I just set this up so we could have a chance to have sex. But apparently, I'd be having sex with a retard."\n"Just give me another chance, iCarly. I can win your iHeart," you say, bending down on one knee.\n"Well.....nah."\n\nShe whistles and two burly men enter the room. "Ivan, Byvan, Dilbert here has shown displeasure for my television program."\nThey grab you by the arms, and show you the door. Then they beat you with a bag of nickels until your spine breaks in half, killing you.\n\nTHE END

Carly walked into her house. When she opened the door she saw Sam fucking another iCarly!\n"What the hell is going on, bitch?" iCarly yelled.\nSam wiped her mouth off, looked back at her, and said "That's none of your fucking concern."\niCarly slapped her. "How dare you talk to me that way!"\n\nThe two stared at one another. Suddenly they were kissing and fucking.\nJust then, the door outside swung open. It was another iCarly!\n"What the hell is going on, bitch?" the other iCarly yelled.\nWhile Sam wiped her mouth off and responded, our iCarly smiled and tiptoed away into the time machine. Things suddenly made very, very good sense.\n\n\nPerfect. This took a lot of passion. But it's something you can be proud of, you decide. You submit the story.\nA scream rises from one of the cubicles. "WHO WROTE THIS?"\n\nWithout hesitation, you stand up. "I did it! I am the author of iParadox, the newest iCarly Fanfic!" You declare.\nA rose lands on your feet. "This is beautiful!" Alice cries. "I've never read anything more beautiful!"\n[img[Authortimetravel.bmp]]\n\nAll around you, coworkers stand up and shout agreement. "She's right, you know!" "Yeah!" "Incredible!" "Literary genius!" They form a crowd and parade you down the hallway, stopping at your boss's office. "What's going on here?" he asks. You smile knowingly. "I wrote it."\n\nHis eyes widen he clutches his heart. It's obvious he heard it in your voice. He knows what you've done. He falls to the ground with a thump.\n"Oh my goodness, he's had a heart attack!" You state uselessly.\nNobody does anything. You crane your head around.\n\n\n"Nobody's moving, it's as if time stopped..."\n"That's because it did."\nYou jump at the voice. Was that- "iCarly?" you ask, your voice full of disbelief.\n"The one and only," she winks.\n"What are you doing here?"\n\n[img[Ascend.bmp]]\n\n"I've come to take you with me. Your place isn't here among the common people. You're destined to live with me in Valhalla. This is your reward. Come with me."\n\n"But what about my plants?"\n\n[[Stay among the common folk. They need your writing here.|Live as a mortal]]

Sorry, it-it's just been so long. Work is your life, even though you're not exactly a dedicated worker.\nYou get in the car, and start it up. As the sounds of the idling engine fade into the background, you reflect on the home life you neglected. You're pretty sure you had a dog. You shift into gear, and pull out into the street.\n\n"Why did my dog have glasses again? Did I just imagine him?" you ask out loud to yourself. You drive home while pondering this, and finally pull into the driveway.\nIt's been so, so long. You cry tears of joy onto your steering wheel. You leave the car and slowly open the front door. This is the moment, you decide. I'm finally home.\n\nYou close your eyes and step inside. After taking a deep breath, you open them.\n\nIt's your cubicle. You turn around. There is no door, only the cubicle wall. A cold sweat breaks out on your neck.\n\nYou run out of the building, hands flailing wildly. You grab your car keys and smash the gas pedal, ramming the other cars and wrecking up your own, and not caring in the least. You rush home, jump out of the car and slam open the door.\nYour cubicle.\n\nYou scream wildly and run out to the parking lot. Your car is in perfect condition. You punch a window and jump outside. You run until you're out of breath, and run some more. After about an hour of alternating between sprinting and vomiting, you reach your lawn. "Oh God," you pant, "oh God help me."\nYou pick yourself off the ground and look around at your [[cubicle walls|Start]].

You wake up in a hospital bed in a pile of rubble inside a glass covered room. You check your arm. Oh god, you've got a hook! It's kind of upsetting, but also cool. Plus you're kind of distracted by the destruction around you.\n\nFrom what you can gather, it looks like you somehow were blown from a window of the hospital into your workplace. You can see flames jetting through the windows. Looking down, you can see a mob of people trying to break through a barricade against your wall.\nThe asbestos smothered building you are in seems to be the only one standing.\nWhat the hell is going on here? you wonder.\nYou are incredibly hungry, you realize. You must have been out for days.\n\n[[Go downstairs and see what the barricade's about]]

"Long day today, huh?"\n"Yeah always is"\n"I dont know how we keep our sanity working in a place like this"\n"Me either."\nYou keep talking to your double, who is sitting on your desk and also has the tail of a scorpion affixed to his thorax and has the blood of angels on his lips. The conversation waxes and it wanes, covering diverse topics and settings. Finally you find yourself, along with your double, perched a top a minaret far above Medina. Your double has transmorphed into a giant tabby cat, sitting upright. The blood of the angels has been replaced with lasagna, though the scorpion tail remains. \n"It is time for secrets to be revealed. My name is GAR. You are my Prophet, Dilbert. We must spread the Truth of Mercy, Cynicism, and Procrastination." Your double winds his tail around you tightly. Your arms are pinned to your side. "Taste of my Venomous Wit and feel the prick of my Ironic Stinger." Your double drives its tail into your upper arm. It burns at first but then begins to cool, and quickly the cool spreads over your entire body. "When you awake, my Servant, you will be prepared to spread the Word across the land.\nYou awake again far from Medina, your double nowhere to be found. Your arms still bound to your side, you know that His strength is with you. You rise to your feet, your voice bellowing through the small room, reverberating against the padding-covered walls. The small window in the door to your suite fills with panicked faces. The door swings open, the room crowded with white suits and people telling you to "calm down." How dare they tell you that in the face of your weeks corporate-sponsored stress management training. Suddenly your God appears above you, he stings your arm again and whispers, "My son, this is your great struggle. Apathy be with you, we will be reunited in Paradise." As the stinger pumps its venom of Wit and Irony into you again, your God fades into nothing, the face of a pudgy murse taking His Almighty place. "Just calm down, sir, everything will be okay once we get this lorazepam in your system."\nA familiar voice rings out. "NO YOU IDIOT! HE IS ALLERGIC TO LORAZEPAM USE THE AMOBARBITAL OR WE WILL LOSE ALL OF THE PROGRESS WE'VE MADE SO FAR." It is Pointy-Haired Boss. Suddenly everything makes sense to you. All the lies you've been told your entire life are clear in the Orange Glow of His Lordship. As you pass out of this world into the Paradise you now know for a certainty awaits you, one phrase sits precariously upon your lips.\n\n\n\n\n\nI hate mondays.\nTHE END

@socksmeanie - DS\nTWINEd by @ZacharyNever

"Ahem"\nA blast narrowly misses you. "Jesus Christ, Dilbert, Tim almost killed you!" Alice says, motioning to her friend to lower his gun.\n"Sorry, I wa-"\nAlice interrupts you. "Wait, where the hell have you been?? Nobody's seen you around the office all Postfeuer!"\n\n"Postfeuer?"\n\nTed stands up. "How'd you get in here? You're not one of us at all, are you?" He grabs you.\n\n"I-I just woke up! I don't know anything that's going on!"\n\nHis grip loosens. "Well...maybe you're telling the truth. Still..."\n\n"Let's take him to the Leader," says Alice. "He'll figure this out."\n\n[[Go with them]]\n[[Go with em man, you ain't got a fucking choice|Go with them]]